So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize