if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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