i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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