When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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