Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
