Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
