all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
