After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
