so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
