yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
