so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I think your dad took our porno
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
