Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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