I hate your face
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize