Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
there is glitter all over my balls
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