saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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