Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
