If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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