mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I currently don't understand fingers.
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