If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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