If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
