I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
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