don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Alive.
So much puke
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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