Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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