I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
