The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
