Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
