Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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