My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
