I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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