Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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