he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
