Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
