C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
