I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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