wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
