I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
