To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
