I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
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