I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
i've created a new STD.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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