He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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