My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
