Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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