those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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