my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
