Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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