Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Randomize
