i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
