This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
