Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
