Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
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