I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
