I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
