MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
