census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
