I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
