Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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