Well douche your snatch and let's go!
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
