i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
