what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
