Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
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