I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
