I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
