dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
