Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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