I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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