Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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